today is the day...

Do you know what today is? Well here is a hint, its Saturday, its no longer November. Thats right its "The First of the Month." In the 7th grade I was so into this song that I drew clocks and wrote Bone Thugs all over my book covers. To those of you from the other night who did not know "Crossroads" when it came on at Rue Bar, respect son, respect.

reunion

WE BACK BABY, WE BACK

Todd the Prince

Where were you, when this happened

Our Tour De Force takes a serious detour as Todd names himself the King of Wishful Thinking.

MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE

The Force is touring

Call and Response

Our next installment of our musical journey takes us to one of the bangingest genres of all, Call and Response music. You might be saying what is this? Yo yo yo, check it.

When I say Doo Doo
Yall say Rhymes
DOO DOO
Rhymes
DOO DOO
Rhymes

That my friends is call and response. Nothing gets the party going faster. Old school Hip-Hop be known for this. You probably first caught up on it with "Hip Hop Hooray" by Naughty by Nature. Lord knows you couldn't escape from it during the Julia Styles style white girl in the inner city trying to make a name for herself but ends up on the wrong side of the tracks grooving to Fatman Scoop songs over and over teen dance movies. I honestly think she did the same movie like 4 seperate times.

Fatman Scoop probably provided the soundtrack to my highschool experience. No lyric probably characterized my senior year more than this:

u got a $100 dollar bill put your hands up
u got a $50 dollar bill put your hands up
u got a $20 dollar bill put your hands up
u got a $10 dollar bill put your hands up

single ladies i cant hear you
single ladies make noise
single ladies i cant hear you
single ladies make noise

all the chicken heads be quiet

I myself never carry cash on my person, its filthy.

So the best artists in this genre probably are the older fellas, your Biz Markie, your Doug E Fresh. The best song of this genre however, is performed by the best hypeman in the industry. A certain DJ Kool and it is entitled "Let me clear my throat." This song is just powerful. It starts off with that good sample from Kool and the Gang and then just explodes in your ears. Before this song I never knew the whooping cough could be so fun.

Peep this video, its the fraggles. They me be subterranean, but OH snap can they get down.

Actor Turned Musician Music

Our next installment takes us to one of my favorite genres in music history, the actor turned musician genre. You know this kind of music, you are watching MTV and all the sudden some not so great song and video comes on the tube. You start to groove a little bit and then blam, you are like wait wait wait hold up, ain't that Marg Helgenberger from CSI, and why the hell is she singing a rap song. Thats the kinda ish you get from this genre, that real funky ish.

It's hard for me to talk trash about this genre because I love it soo much. I owe it to you my loyal 2 readers to address the crap bands of this genre. In no particular order, you got your Bruce Willis, Keanu Reaves, Bacon Brothers, Kevin Costner, Hasselhoff, Jada Pinket-Smith, et al. Did you ever know there was another Bacon who is not Kevin, a fatter less talented guitar toting Bacon. Paris Hilton, she had a crap song that was out very recently.

However, there are some great songs to take in. Pretty much anything Lindsey Lohan and Hillary Duff do is great (see let the rain fall down). Don Johnson had "Heart Beat", a classically good song. Patrick Swayze of all people had "She's Like the Wind." I can't honestly say a bad word about Swayze's song, I just love it.


Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind

Those lyrics are tuff as shit, that brother is feeling some real pain. I just want to take him to a strip bar and shake him till he forgets all about her.

The best song of this genre is Eddie Murphy's "Party all the Time." It has everything you could want: Rick James, a synthesizer, a catchy beat, patent leather jump suits, and at least a kilo of pure Columbian cocaine.

sorry kids, there is no cover that does it justice available

90's SOCIAL STUDIES ROCK

The year was 1994, you were old enough to know that there was an Ireland, but you might not have been to able to point to it on a map. Did you know that there was some serious turmoil in the world, no you did not. All you knew about was Ace of Base and Toni Braxton. And don't forget about that Hotstepper.

There was probably one band above all others, that signified the essence of political disorder, and that was the Cranberries. They sung some serious songs. Songs that I don't think the average person can full understand. I think to understand a Cranberries song, you have to know what its like to work in a steel mill. You have to know what its like to mine coal. You have to know what its like to grow up in the shadow of the IRA and Sinn Fein. You have to know what its like to have an accent. These are just things the average middle schooler did not know.
It was hard to pick the song to narrow down to this list, but I did it. The best song of this genre is "Zombie." As wiki describes it "It is about the conflicts in Northern Ireland known as The Troubles, with references to the Easter Rising of 1916." After you heard the line below you wanted to know more about this Ireland, and who is this St. Patrick.

Probably the most poetic line in all of social study rock:
In your head, in your head they are fighting,
With their tanks and their bombs,
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head, they are crying...

Bombs you say, guns you say, where do I sign up.

Behold the video below. Is this what girls do in their free time? They have clearly spent the morning burning their braziers and getting henna tattoos. Ryan, I think shop at Inti. Anyway, these girls can really play, when not cracking up at their dog who makes several cameos. I also really like how they never look at the camera and only stare off into space, a class rock and roll move.

Late 90's Rock/Pop

In the late 90's you had many rock bands who were more sissy than they were Megadeath. I don't know if I would consider them pop, maybe power pop. And I say that because also during this time frame you had some really pop boy bands and Celine Dion. I would say these bands had much more talent than the boy bands because they could play their own instruments and some of the jams were pretty dope.

The best bands of this genre are hard to pinpoint, I would say maybe there are none. There are however some super sucky bands from this genre, they include Matchbox 20, Vertical Horizon, Goo Goo Dolls, 3 Doors Down, and Nine Days. Please don't get this twisted, all these bands are pretty bad, and you would definitely be a sissy if you said you enjoyed them, but each one individually could have a good song. However, Goo Goo Dolls "Iris" is not something you can listen to while lifting weights and drinking whey protein. But then you can have Goo Goo Dolls "Slide" which is better, and I will allow it to be played in my presence. If you are a girl of course, this whole paragraph doesn't apply to you so calm down you are allowed love this ish.

Now a classy band of this genre was Third Eye Blind, they really didn't cater to 14 year old girls with braces. Their lead singer rocked a thin beard way before anyone else. The best song of this genre is their "Jumper." In this epic jam, brus number 1 tries talking this other brus down from the ledge. The chorus of this song is totally choice. This song probably gets played at every relay for life gathering. This song has it all, catchy chorus, an actual message, and lyrics that you can just scream for those of us who can't sing.

Regard this video, this is an actual band, Daphne Loves Derby, covering it, I don't much about them, but I think their fan base is exclusively female if that means anything to you. Ladies guard your panties.

tour de force 2...

Mainstream 90's Rap

The second installment in our tour de force de genres de muziq brings us to Mainstream 90's Rap. The 90's may or may not have been the golden age of rap. There were huge superstars making names for themselves, like Snoop Dogg, Biggie, and 2 Pac. There were some major superstars getting shot like snoop dogg, Biggie, and 2 Pac. And even some major superstars that got killed like Biggie and 2 Pac. I think the goal of a 90's rapper was to be famous enough that they didn't have to slang dope or work at burger king, but not famous enough that they got killed.

There was some super tight songs that came out during this time frame, Cross Roads by Bone Thugs, I Wish by Skee-lo, Gin and Juice by Snoop Dogg, etc... This was the kind of music that in 6th grade made you feel super cool. Once you and your boy got done talking about which TLC girl was the finest ( I can make a case for all three see the red light special video), you put on Yo! MTV raps and got some culture.

As a semi-pro rap superstar myself, I feel like I am semi well qualified to name "California Love" by Dr. Dre and 2 Pac as the best song of this genre. It had everything that you needed, a George Clinton like beat, some squeaky high voice box chorus, 2 bad ass trippin rappers. The video featured a Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dome type setting. I pride myself on knowing all the words, this is the kind of jam that you Karaoke too.

Probably the best line in this song is:
Out on bail fresh outta jail, California dreamin
Soon as I stepped on the scene, I'm hearin hoochies screamin

They Talking HOOCHIES

Regard this video, this guy could play your Bar Mitzvah. He strikes no fear in onlookers, his shirt makes him look like a sausage. Kids don't be this whack.

tour de force...

A new column on this blogosphere is an idea that came to me a few days pence. I am deciding to take a tour de force thru the music catalog of the world and choose the best song from each genre. Where possible, I will show a cover band playing the song, why, because I love me a cover band. I have seen Marky Mark's hit film Rockstar at least 10 times. Now for the first entry.

SKA

This kind of music had all the ability to be awesome, but often sucked. Some of the notable sucky bands were Smashmouth and whoever else you can name. Maybe the best bands were Fishbone and Reel Big Fish. I often thought a ska band would be the most fun band to be in, they always have the one random guy dancing (or skanking) which I always enjoyed, and I love the trumpet. Seriously I'm always talking about trumpets, not trombones, I don't like those as much, I'm talking Satchmo. For those of who maybe were in middle school during the late 90's and weren't allowed to touch the radio in your Mom's Camry, ska basically always caught me as a bunch of orchestra players who got sick of playing Taps and Beethoven and stared whaling.

People who like ska generally mean well, but I dont think you want them watching your children.

The Best Ska song as voted on by me is "The Impression That I Get" by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Play it, you will rock out, you will, you will lose control of your neck and your head will start to bob. Notice in this video the ridiculous hats people are wearing, and how everyone shouts the chorus. The latter I can appreciate because the chorus are the only words I know. But I cannot get down with hats. This band also seems to be made up exclusively of McLovins. Also of note, the drummer is the singer, which is very Genesis, and I can totally get down with it, but I wonder, without a lead singer, who will do angry at the microphone stand type moves that the crowd goes nuts for. At minute 1:55 and then again at :29 the guy in the front row that you can just see his back, he is skanking.

the best yet...

Watch this video, what I like so much about it is that the last dude seems like the kid in highschool who got picked on crazily. Then, prom came and out of nowhere the brus goes off and steals your girlfriend.



Get your steps in today. At least 5,000.

saturday mornings...

Whatever you do, do not watch this movie, you have much better things to do with your life.

hype man...

America I need you to stop an ongoing debate:

Am I Nanni's hype man?

or

Is Nanni my hype man?



Its on you America, leave it in the comments section.

indecision '08...

You decide America,

The pending comeback of Hawstage Sityiashun (or however you want to spell it) has forced us to come up with an idea for an album title.

Should we use the original planned title Mofos in Space or change it to The Phat of the Land?

Leave your answer in the comments section

ninety minutes...

If you only had 90 minutes to live, would you spend them watching this:




Leave your comments

a good movie...

Today me and some of my very good friends watched Roll Bounce, the hit film starring Nick Cannon and Bow Wow. While enjoying this movie, I was reminded not every movie can be this good, it takes effort. So that got me thinking, how hard is it to make a great movie, this I had to know. So, I took the plot to the best movie I know, Val Kilmer’s The Saint, and I took the plot to all the other random movies that I enjoy and placed them into excel. The point was to explain to the general public that a movie such as The Saint is not just thrown together. It is not a set of random variables that just happened to mesh together in the form of perfection.

It went like this, I made a random number generator in excel and placed it by each variable. I determined that if the random number was greater than .5 that it was a vote towards the item in the first column, if it was less than .5 it would be an indicator of the second column. By my calculations it was a 1 in 1024 chance that the computer would create the plot to The Saint. Prepared to wait all night before the combination came up, I kept hitting the generate button. To my surprise, it only took me 11 attempts to come up with the right combination.

Thus, making the perfect movie is easier than I thought.

we belong...

Today is Friday, I am going out of town for the weekend and don't know if I will be able to post anything. But I don't want to leave my 3 readers in the dark. So, I'm going to leave you with this inspirational message.


Whenever you are down, whenever you a gloomy and counted out, just remember that you belong, you belong on the worlds biggest stage.



It's every little girls dream to be an animal trainer, but when your first name is killer and your last name is whale, can you ever be that safe. Have you never seen Orca, you will be eaten. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but it will happen when you least expect it. I imagine it happening something like this. You're tired from a long day, so you start the bath and you leave the room to wait for the tub to fill up. After a few minutes you come back in, the room is all hot and steamy, you are just about to sit down when you remember that you forgot your leg shaving razor. You go to the vanity and grab it thankful that you remembered. You turn around to head back to the tub and BAM, Orca.

Blog it like you stole it.

remember when...

When was the last time you got misty eyed?

in theatre one...

So there aren't many good movies out, theres really no reason to go see a movie nowadays. I just can't fathom spending 9 bucks on a crappy movie that I might not even watch for free if it came on TBS, actually who am I kidding, I watch everything.

Thats why the current state of film de cinema is Kansas. I have driven through Kansas, and trust me there is nothing to see.

Oddly enough, when I was in high school, I went to the movies a lot. I feel like I went at least once a week. The movies are great to a high school kid, its the perfect way to get away from your parents for at least 2 hours. I think I went on more dates to movies than any other place, and some of the movies I have seen were horrendous.

Classic films like The Mummy 2, Pootie Tang, An Ideal Husband, Charlie's Angles 2, The Beach, Ocean's Twelve, Men in Black 2, Garden State, Dick, Mr. Deeds, the list could go on.

best in the biz...

There's many stars in the galaxy, but from 1989 to 1998 no star shined as bright a Sasha Mitchell. You might know him better as cousin Cody Lambert from televisions Step by Step.

But, one role could never define Sasha. He is not a better character actor than Dustin Diamond (Screech) because Sasha is not a character actor, but rather he is a true thespian.

In 1989 he stared on televisions "Dallas," and in 1991 the world was introduced to cousin Cody. But the hardest working actor in Hollywood also had time to star in 3 ground breaking films. Films that changed the landscape of cinema. They were Kickboxer 2, Kickboxer 3, and Kickboxer 4.

Sasha Mitchell Fame Tracking Chart

rock of love...

So to date I have not seen the conclusion to VH1's Rock of Love. For those that haven't seen it, its rock n' roll's answer to Flavor of Love which starred Flava Flav. Instead of a rapping clock enthusiast, this show stars former lead singer singer of Poison Bret Michaels. For those of you who don't know who or what that is, check out this video:



Now here's the theme of the show, ex rock n' roller has had bad relationships and now he's probably early 40's and sans wife. So he dates all these crazy ladies, most too young to even really know who he is, but yet they love him anyway. So, I saw every episode except the season finale, where he was supposed to choose who he would marry.

His final two options were essentially this:




would he marry the bandanna, or would he marry the cowboy hat.

I still don't know which one he chose. Do you know America?

is this something...

Folks, You decide, is this something, leave your response in the comments section.

For the women theres a cup that fits up against them.

For poop its a harder problem to solve, floaters........

how to create a band...

Goodbye to you undefeated season

Things learned this weekend:

1. Wendy don't take nooo mess.

2. A certain someone downed 4 bud lights.

3. Free shrimp and potatoes is a bad idea.

4. We cant beat Auburn.

classic thunder...

So scrubs is pretty much the best television show ever, Wikipedia will tell you that. And Boston is pretty much the best rock band of all time, your burnt out in the 70's Uncle Rob will tell you that.

So what happens when the two meet? Have you smiled yet today? You are welcome!

running on empty...

If this video doesn't get you excited you have no pulse.




Questions to ask yourself
1. How many steroids was Stallone on?
2. How much did Billy D have to slow down so Stallone could look faster then him?
3. Were you supposed to match your tube socks to your outfit?
4. Are embraces like the one that occurs at 3:10 allowed anymore?

please leave your responses in the comments section

a straw poll...

Here is a straw poll for all my female readers. The concept is that these songs have such an effect on girls, that if they listen to them, they will lose their panties in broad day light. It will only take 5 minutes of your time, and when you are done if you would please leave your response in the comment section of this post.

ok ready heres the instructions:

Step 1. Verify that you are wearing panties.

Step 2. Watch this video in its entirety





Step 3. Are you still wearing your panties? If yes watch this video




Step 4. Are you still wearing your panties? If yes, I would find this hard to believe. If not, predictable in every way. Please leave a comment as to your results.

in the line of fire...

Most people are risk averse, they like to play it safe. I think the same can be said for Assistant D.A. Alex Cahill, also known as Walker's Girlfriend/Love Interest on Walker Texas Ranger. She is dating by all accounts a bad ass. Here is an account of the show from imdb:

"Walker, a Texas ranger, believes in dealing with the bad guys the old fashioned way, by fighting them. He also works on instincts. Trivette is his partner. He was a former player for the Dallas Cowboys football team. Trivette uses the modern approach to crime solving, such as computers and cellular phones."

I don't know if you have seen the show before, I hope you have, but each episode is based around the same principle. A bad guy Walker put in the slammer many years ago gets out of jail and is looking to settle the score with the crime fighter. To do so, they construct some sort of bomb, show up to Walkers home to destroy him, but accidentally stumble upon D.A. Alex Cahill and kidnap her. They make her the target of their plot.

This same plot line goes on for 203 episodes. At what point should it have dawned on her to break up with Walker and run the hell away. And every time it happens it's like she is totally shocked by it. It's as though she has no short term memory. Ladies, what if every time you were supposed to meet your boyfriend at his house for a candlelit dinner you found yourself captured and chained to a cinder block at the bottom of well, would you ever go back out with this guy again? Never date a man in a cutoff shirt, and never date a texas ranger.

douche bags...

Nuke this Kid

story of progress....

Attention world, we no longer need whale oil to light our lanterns.

Henceforth, we no longer have a need for whales. Giant filthy beasts. But there are soooo many whales that we haven't killed yet. Here's 3 reasons to nuke them:

1. We already have the nukes
2. Nuke them, before they nuke us
3. Tazering the whales would take too long

lets go to mo...

Is this my roommate?



They are both named Mo.

They are both refferees.

You decide America

electric youth...

You have grown up to fast. You worry too much. How old are you, if it starts with a 2 and ends in a digit that’s 0 thru 9 that means you’re young as balls. You are young enough to make mistakes and you are young enough to fail. You’re old enough to succeed, but you have got time for that. Don’t rush it. Quit thinking about insurance, and relationships, and children, and jobs, and quilting bees or whatever the crap you are thinking about. Quit doing homework, quit studying for tests, try winging it. Once you graduate college grades don’t mean anything (note the president was a C student).

Remember when you were super young, it was boss. Have you ever seen a 5 year old just starring out into the sky, wide-eyed and hopeful. You know what that little kid is thinking about? It’s Candy, he's thinking about candy. We should think about candy more often. You should think about candy more often. Quit counting calories, quit counting money, quit counting significant others or significant figures. Do something that makes you happy before happiness is casual Fridays and being able to find a babysitter. Read a book, Ian McCalister will thank you. Better yet, rent the movie, and say you read the book.

When you were in elementary school you looked at the 5^th grade like that was it. It just had to be a transition to something big. Well it wasn’t, it was a transition to middle school. And in middle school you had buck teeth. It’s true, you did. You also hit puberty, you had a really long neck, you had bad hair, you probably wore knee high stockings at one time. You thought everything would be dope in high school. Well, high school came. You became worried about friends, about being in the right clique, you wanted to eat lunch with the Tree people – not on the freshman wall. You thought that was a big deal. You had tests, you studied, you got into a good college. Yup, life was going to be awesome. High school was a let down. There was no Zach Morris, there was no Kelly Kapowski. Molly Ringwald didn’t go to your high school, you didn’t wreck your Dad’s Porsche, John Cusack never held a radio up outside your bedroom, and U2 didn’t play your prom. A buddy of yours probably blew up a teacher’s mailbox. It seemed important at the time.

You come to college, nobody knows you here. You can be whoever you want. This is your chance, you can be the best you. You work hard or maybe you don’t. Either way you will graduate and get some job. Everything that came before was just stair steps to this job. It’s the escalator of life. You will one day have conversations with the 2 friends that you will remain in contact with and call it THE job. Other things become THEES too. There’s THE car, and THE wife, and THE kids, and THE house, and THE mortgage. But stop right there, you don’t have to be old. You don’t have to be grown up or know all the answers. Do you know why adults ask children what they want to do when they grow up? It’s because they’re looking for ideas for themselves.

Take a minute, take a breath, think about candy. Think about Michael J. Fox, that dudes hilarious. You’re old enough to party, turn your Kelly Clarkson up loud ( read: Pink’s “Who Knew”). It’s still okay to decorate your room in posters. EBay has great posters. The next time you find yourself cruising EBay at 2am from that vintage Iron Eagle movie poster, buy it, cause that’s your Jam, and its only 20 bucks. Don’t worry whether you’re gonna decorate your adult house in posters. Shocker is, by the time you get your adult house, you are no longer going to be worried about posters. And then, by the time you are rich enough that you can worry about posters again – you might not want them. Don’t miss the boat, don’t miss out, miss the bus, the bus sucks. Buy more posters, think about candy more often, you’re young, and that’s what young people should do. You’re as cool as you think you are, you run as fast as you think you do, and you have as much time for things as you think you do. Be involved, or cut your involvements. Take a second for yourself. Slow down, check your watch, you’re still young.

on bended knee...

Today I skipped class(like a thug) and headed down to Tampa to get my knee looked at by a Doctor. If you haven't heard the back story yet, I hurt my knee about 3 weeks ago saving children from a burning building. Anyway, it turns out that I am missing a chunk of cartilage out of my left knee, which is causing, get this, bone on bone GRINDING.

Its a sign from the heavens.

an actual picture of the bloc-party going on in my knee

big tree fall hard...

This is part 2 of 2 part series on the Economics of life.

Laissez-faire - an injunction against government interference with trade, it became used as a synonym for strict free market economics

I have a laissez-faire relationship with Wendy. I let her do what she wants without interference. Because, the market functions fine left alone to her own devices. Interference will knock the market out equilibrium, and when the market is out of equilibrium, there is a surplus of cold shoulder.

A wild horse should never be caged.

economics of decisions...

This is part 1 of 2 part series on the Economics of life.

Generally speaking, my brain operates in perfect market conditions, no chance for arbitrage. I make all my daily decisions in accordance with the basic principles of micro-economics.

Micro-economics as I’m sure you are aware consists of a Supply curve and a Demand curve. It’s easy to make one right at home with your arms. Make an X with your arms in front of your body. Your left arm is the Supply Line, your right arm is the Demand Line.

You know how this works, where the 2 lines cross is optimal quantity at your optimal price.

But this is how I see it my mind.

My Dad wants me to mow the lawn. He has a strong demand for lawn mowing, this shift your Demand curve to the right.

However, I have a very low supply of give a damn. Since I don’t give a damn, my Supply curve shifts way left.

What occurs is a market inefficiency, and a pounding.

in the form of a question...

For the rest of the week, I will be asking questions via intonation only. This is not an attack on Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How. Rather it is a test, or a Vision Quest.

Don't you understand.

fast food rappers...

This is the story, the true story, of 2 guys, who tried skip college and become rappers.

For those readers who are not aware, your boi Nanni and I in high school were budding rap superstars. As resident gangstas of Hillsborough High School, we often wrote lyrics in class. It was pretty much fun and games. That was until I saved up over $400 from my after-school job and bought a turntable, mixer, microphone, and some classic records. At that time, I could not afford the second turn table, and it was another 4 months of so until I was able to buy that.

It was at this time that I began using the moniker DJ 2Scoopz. Nanni went by many slightly lame rap names until settling on Dirty Wordz (an homage to Ol' Dirty Bastard). We began recording some tracks, Nanni could really ride the beat, he spit hot flame, believe it. I was kind of abstract(read Beastie Boyesque), and I also scratched on the tracks. We dubbed ourselves Hawstage Sityiashun (phonetically southern spelling of Hostage Situation) and created our label as Rent-a-Cop Records, named after a ridiculously good headlock I would put people in. (see below for sample lyrics)

Amongst the songs we put out was one 8 minute long anthem called Doin it in da Butt (against our better judgment). We later got in trouble when a 9^th grade Todd and a 7^th grade Leah were found listening to it by their parents.

Fast forward a few months, we had put all our songs on Napster for our friends to download. One day out of blue, I got an Email from a guy from Nu-Era Records, he had heard our songs and was interested in signing us. We spoke on the phone a few more times, I gave him some more of our lyrics. He was interested in signing and putting us on his compilation album, it was a mix-tape of all Tampa rappers. He was telling us to come up with more material for a solo album. We had dubbed our first EP Mofos in Space (see cover art below). A meeting was set up at Wendy’s Restaurant. Yes, a lot of rappers got their big break Dave Thomas’ establishments.

We get to school, the next day, and the whole school is buzzing. People are coming up to us and congratulating us and all that jazz. So, later that week Nanni and I go to the meeting. It’s scheduled for 5:00, we show up at quarter till. 5:00 hits, and nothing 5:15, and nothing. 5:30 hits, and nothing but by this time our Biggie Frostees are empty and things are looking bleak. We waited till 6:00 but nobody showed up and we dipped.

A few days later the dude called and apologized, I let it slide, but I was becoming more suspicious. He set up another meeting, this time at a McDonald’s (Honest, you can’t make this stuff up) located in the heart of the ghetto. I went alone this time. As you have guessed the Brus didn’t show up. We gave up on it.

Fast forward like 10 months, I’m in my Beatty Towers dorm room and I get a call. It’s the Brus. He was calling to tell me that the record we were supposed to be on had come out and wanted to talk about another album. I looked it up online and found it. It was on one of those websites where you could listen to 30 second snippets of the songs. 4 of the 5 songs I could listen to were awful, but 1 was a real banger. They pretty much all had to with drugs, hos, and 20 inch rims. A couple months later I was back in Tampa and visited a local FYE retailer and found the CD. College pretty much took over our lives, and we slowly quit writing dope raps.

Lyrics from 1983 Born (2Scoopz)

I don’t care if you,
The feds, the DA, the DEA or Cool-aid,
Cause im gonna bust out,
I come up like a wet dream,
And end up pissing myself.
Its ok you don’t rap well,
Cause you gotta pretty mouth,
Your favorite rapper is me,
Come on no doubt,
I go hard at the battle,
Call me the man Sid Vicious,
Pour ketchup on me,
Now call me delicious,
I put my bare ass on the floor,
Than scratch till it itches,
I steal moneys from myself,
Than sit back to count the riches,
But my pancakes will never go broke,
Cause I got 80 grand stuffed in a box of bis-quick,
So why the hell do you wanna run in this sh*t,
The biscuit,
You know I don’t bake,
Came in for some pie,
But I left with the cake.

Lyrics from Doin it in da Butt (Dirty Wordz)

Ladies in the place yo its time to shake,
Booty gotta quiver like a California quake,
Make no mistake and don't try to fake,
Dirty Wordz spits the rhymes that are sweeter than cake,
Do it in the da butt, flip it like a pancake,
Got the junk in the trunk that makes the necks break.
Snap Bang Crackle and Pop,
Once you started in the butt, you know you cant stop,
Feeling kinda kinky so I use a riding crop,
Then I smack it in the back till the Ho yell stop
If other raps make the kids do drugs,
This record drop will have kids grindin of the rugs,
So grind with me,
Rewind with me,
Do it in the butt, get intertwined with me,
Break the six foot rule, get fined with me,
Do it in the butt, shake that behind with me.

crime and punishment...

This whole Mike Vick thing is just depressing. He got caught up in some totally messed up ish and it looks like he’s going to be doing some time in slammer. He’s killed dogs, he’s killed his career, and when he gets out he’ll be killing defenses in the CFL.

I have been watching all the so-called experts on TV debating whether or not Vick should take the plea or stand trial. It’s a silly debate to me, they are skirting the real issue here, and that real issue is Precrime.

We’ve all seen Minority Report, hell, I went opening weekend with Shelby Radloff. What we have to do is stop dumbasses like Vick before he commits the crime.

The scene is like this: Vicks in the corner booth of some sleezy night club, skanks dancing all around, talking to his boi. He’s all “Hey Brus, I think we should fight puppies for cash.” At that very moment some Sinead O’Connor looking chick shakes and a skeeball comes thru a tube and falls into the lap of Tom Cruise (Not crazy in love Tom Cruise, but sword wielding Last Samurai Tom Cruise).

Before Vick can even light up a joint, Pre-Crime Cops descend on the club, Samurai Cruise and his boys bust thru the window, skanks flee from the broken glass, and Vick is zip tied and arrested before any animals are harmed. Vick's high priced lawyers are able to get him off with just probation, and little boys and big fat guys everywhere are able to keep wearing their Falcon Jerseys.

forgiveness is godliness...

My apologies to those of you regularly check this blog(Wendy, Nanni, and I think McNeezy) for the lack of updates in the past 18 days, but I have been super busy finissant vers le haut de mon internat, les appartements mobiles, conduisant des 17 pieds u-transportent long, visitant Atlanta, et écrivant ma thèse vingt-quatre heures sur vingt-quatre. Est ce qui meulage?(Yup thats French).

To make it up to you, my only readers, here are some things that are funny, unlike this blog.

Babies Dressed as Vegetables

Mr. Bean

Flight of the Conchords

Vh1's I hate my 30's

gators on the grind

There is a simple reason why your Florida Gators are back to back to back to front to side National Champions, the $8 million coaching staff are total Grinders.

Observe

"Donovan, the gregarious 42-year-old grinder from New York's Long Island, understands the direction of his friend's conversation. But the concept of reducing workload is something he can't quite wrap his closely cropped head around: "I'm a total extremist. I'm not very good at balancing. Sometimes I catch myself and say, 'Whoa, what am I doing?' "

Observe

Billy D in the triple threat, Urbs vulnerable to the backside spin & post

Observe

Grind hard, Grill hard - Let the guy with 2 rings do all the cooking

with great powers comes...

So tonight I'm watching the Carson Daly Show(don't ask) and he makes some random joke about a new Rambo movie coming out. My ears perked up like I didn't hear him right, keep in mind I really haven't paid any attention to anything Carson has said since he was introducing Limp Bizkit's "Nookie" as the number two video on TRL.

I digress, anyway, how old is Stallone. He just put out a not so good Rocky and now an even worse Rambo, the man is like 65. Than I got thinking who else is that old and still being all super hero, that Indiana Jones brus Harrison Ford, also 65. Its incredible, how do they expect us to buy into the plot of these movies when the main characters are played by AARP members. Then it came to me, these movies are both based on the same underlying principle...yes folks I'm talking about Dad Strength.

Dad Strength, for those that have been living under a rock, is the innate ability of a man who has fathered children to have super human mite well beyond what his physical frame should bear. It's normally seen in everyday life. For example, you're struggling to carry your 80lb bag of salt from the trunk to the water softener all the while your Pops is effortlessly carrying two of those things one over each shoulder(he's laughing at you too). Name any physical task, your old man can totally one up you at it. What's crazy is that if you and your father were to take part in some sort of strength competition, say the bench press or arm curls, you would totally whoop his ass; only confounding the phenomena.

Now my Dad turns 54 on Tuesday, do I think he can free Burma (Rambo), beat down Antonio Tarver (Rocky), or fight off Russians for control of Area 51(Jones..seriously the plot), hell to the no. But, you should see how many 2x4s my old man can carry.

hoagies and grinders

"I'm a grinder," said Garcia following Sunday morning's first full-contact practice of training camp here. "I think one of my strongest traits is that I find ways to get things done, no matter what. And I think [Gruden] is a grinder, too. I really think he respects that."

ThanksgivingMatt: Look at that quote from Jeff Garcia
ThanksgivingMatt: its blogable
Wendy: everything about Jeff Garcia is bloggable

So America, what do you have to say. Is former Calgary Stampeder, San Francisco 49er, Cleveland Brown, Detroit Lion, Philadelphia Eagle, and current Buccaneer Quarterback Jeff Garcia a grinder?

Please list your responses in the comments section.

dare, double dare, physical challenege

About 3 years ago, while high on protein, I propositioned the folks at Hoss Fest to partake in the President’s Challenge. The very same President’s Challenge you partook in grade school. Needless to say it never happened, but what would have happened if it did.

Now lets meet the contestants.

Grant: 6’-5” 162 fighting pounds, known for his skills on the court and for bleaching our carpet, fully carbo loaded on pasta.

Eric: 6’-3” 2?? fighting pounds, incredible veteran savvy, first ever platinum hoss.

Evan: 5’-8” 150 fighting pounds, incredibly agile, aggressive like a baboon in heat.

Brandon: 6’-1” 180 fighting pounds, devastatingly pretty, coined the phrase “look good and play good”.

Nanni: 5’-11” 165 fighting pounds, quick witted, slow footed, the brahma bull.

Ruben: 5’-8” 145 fighting pounds, more quick than fast yet slowed by intestinal issues.

The Events:

Mile Run: Eric, the former cross country star, elects to sit this one out, instantly getting 1 point. Evan takes the early lead, followed by Brandon, Nanni, Ruben, and Grant. Just as lap 2 begins, Brandon’s head band is dislodged from his head and he has to quit the race (2). Grant’s ginormous strides keep it close throughout, but Evan (6) wins it, followed by Grant(5), Nanni(4), and Ruben(3).

Sit and Reach: The shorter people have no chance as Grant easily takes this competition. Nanni known for his high-kicks comes in a respectable 3^rd, while Ruben’s famously tight hamstrings and restless leg syndrome drops him to last. Grant (6), Brandon (5), Nanni(4), Eric(3), Evan (2), Ruben (1).

Pull-ups: Grip strength, and the fact that he’s pulling up less weight than anybody else throws Ruben into a easy victory (6). Grants 2 pull-ups (2) passes only Eric’s none (1). Brandon (3) who tries to convince people he was once buff, is notorious for canceling out on gym sessions. Nanni (5) and Evan (4), demonstrate amazing back strength, each besting the total they put up in 4^th grade.

Shuttle Run: Arguably the most fun event, this contest tests your change of direction ability. Grant (3), Ruben(5), Evan(6), Brandon(4), and Nanni(2) all put up incredible times. Eric (1) the consummate vet, prefers the head fake.

Sit-Ups: Up against the clock, Brandon kicks out 42 in one minutes time to take in 5^th place (2). Ruben, (1) the events favorite, has to use the rest room after cranking out 20 and is excused from the competition. Grant amazingly takes first (6), the other contestants look a hot mess as they finish up Evan (5), Eric surges from nowhere to take 3^rd (4), Nanni (3).

Results:

Evan: 23

Nanni: 18

Grant: 22

Brandon: 16

Eric: 10

Ruben: 16

keep my name out your mouth

There is no greater pleasure in life than yelling “THEY WERE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE” three inches from your girlfriends face. Trust me on that.

Blogtoberfest continues on as today we preview the 2007 College Football Season by looking at those other schools with “Gators” as their mascot.

Allegheny College – This school located in Pennsylvania plays in the prestigious North Coast Athletic Conference. They are looking forward to a great season as they return punter Jason Black a First Team All NCAC selection. How fun.

College of Notre Dame of Maryland – Rich in tradition, this all women’s powerhouse celebrates the athletic careers of their distinguished alumni including: Wide Receiver Raghib Ismail and Nancy Boy Brady Quinn.

Pine Manor College – Set in beautiful Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts, this liberal arts program plays in the Great Northeast Athletic Conference; the most misleading conference name, because it can’t be that great if they don’t have football.

San Francisco State University – Forget about sports for a minute, if you go to this school you can be a fair-weather USC fan with likes of David Carradine, Annette Bening, Dana Carvey, and Danny Glover.

University of Houston Downtown – You can forget all your troubles; forget all your cares, and forget about playing sports if you go Downtown.

BLOGTOBER FEST - QB

Welcome to BLOGTOBER FEST.

In honor of the upcoming football season, this blog will take on a subtle sports theme.

A wise man once said “Sports, Sports, Sports!”

That same wise man also said “Leave a message after the Sports. Sports!”

Now for a list of the Top 10 NFL Quarterbacks.

10. Jon Kitna – List of my favorite lions: Sanders, Kitna, Simba. In that order.

9. Damon Huard – Person on this list most likely to be replaced by a man name Brodie.

8. Vince Young – Michael Vick, minus the dog fighting, plus talent.

7. Drew Brees – Has more Myspace stalkers than any other QB. Coincidently, I like how his name sounds.

6. Brian Griese – Most underrated QB of all time. Would have led the Bucs to a 15-1 2005 season had it not been for his Vaginitis.

5. Donovan McNabb – Best known for killing Wendy’s Fantasy Football Season.

4. Carson Palmer – Like a younger, more attractive Ken Dilger. (Sidenote = google the Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic, it’s a real thing)

3. Marc Bulger – Bulger’s most prized possession = his Steve Gilbert throwback jersey.

2. Tom Brady – Ladies this man will make you pregnant.

1. Peyton Manning – 6'5", 235 pound quarterback with a laser rocket arm. Funny on SNL. Has a little boy haircut.

good things come in threes

Have you noticed how many movies came out this summer. Have you noticed how all the major ones are triples. Theres Rush Hour 3, Ocean's 13, Bourne Ultimatum, Shrek the Third, Pirates 3, and Spider Man. This list doesnt even include all the sequels (Fantastic 4 and 28 Weeks Later), fourquels (Live Free of Die Hard), or perpetuals (Harry Potter 35).




While all these seem bad, there are some good things about triples.




The number of Triplets in the United States has risen from 1 pregnancy out of ever 1445(1989) to 1 out of every 539 (2001). Fact, American's drink too much soda.









Carl Crawford, the King of Triples











Triple Sec, key ingredient of the Kamikaze.



Other good triples:
Hansen, Buying 1 and getting 2 Free, Tricycles, and De La Soul

the current state of hip-hop

As a life long hip-hop fan, I must say that I have been disappointed in the current state of hip-hop. While the hip-hop of our youth was probably California or at least Michigan, it seems to me like the current state of hip-hop is.... well.... Delaware.

By all accounts Delaware is a nondescript place, where everyone incorporates but nobody really sets up shop. That aint grinding.

Delaware is the 2nd smallest state in the union, and as any girl will tell you size matters.

Props do go out to Delaware for being a buffer state during the civil war, and for putting 20 inch rims on the 'lac.

go slow, this is my first time

My apologies to all of you who found this webspace. My hope with this blog is to somehow use this inter-web medium to teach you how to be a grinder. To do so we will take in depth non sequitur looks into the worlds of television, music, sports, friendship, teen angst, and of course former bucs coach tony dungy.

Sometimes I will capitalize too many words, and other times not enough. I assure you its because I was not hugged enough as a child and has nothing to do with the 4 I received on my AP English Test.

Thanks for your patronage.